Sometimes I wish I would hate them instead of loving them than to feel this again... really I do

Once you fall in love with something or someone, there's bound to have that one day to bring it to an end, especially when you did not see it coming and no matter what you do you just feel numb and everything seems meaningless to you. I used to think that I don't need to be 18 to be more mature.. but I take that back. I always thought different people comes with different mindset and therefore I thought I was mature enough to make my own choices to know what's right and what's not, but now I understand a lot more even if it's 1 - 2 years differences. When it comes to Love.. it's just so weird that people know that it's going to end sooner or later but they still give in so much even if it hurts them. Or maybe they just want something to kill the loneliness inside so they couldn't resist. There are so many things I really don't want to lose, friends, family, acquaintances, my beloved pets and all the people that came around.

-Family-
I hated my Dad when I was little, because of all the things he could have done but didn't... that hatred kept growing that I start having ridiculous ideas, also because of "the life of a nobody" that I've always live in.. I wish my parents would just get a divorce and just leave me alone because I really hate to crying at the corner, I hate that it's never been anything like I love You or Take care or I'm Sorry in the family, almost everytime we "interact" it's for arguments only. Well let's skip the boring childhood, right now the biggest problem would be me, because I need to move on to college next year... A lot of discussion but not really a conclusion at the end. It's my own fault and also financial related, but recently I was touched by my dad... after so many years of not accomplishing anything, and now he's finding ways to save up money so that I can enter TOA the school of my dreams.... it's probably the only Art school that I look up to in Malaysia, from where I stand now.. it's awfully hard to even think of entering such a place, but my dad really surprised me... I mean his not a young man anymore and his going out sitting the bus from Subang to KL everyday trying to save money for me and night times he teaches English lessons somewhere in Taipan until 10pm. I know he should have done this like 10 - 20 years ago and it's his own fault for being too late, but still I want to say I'm sorry for being so disrespectful, I really am sorry, no matter what you're my dad and that won't change... I wish I had the guts to tell you this in person but I guess I'm just too wimpy to do so. Nowadays I'm always thinking how am I going to take it when the time comes and you and mom will leave me... forever. I don't think I'm ever ready for that kind of news. I don't think my sister is too.

-Friends-
Some are worth dying for, some deserves a special place, some are meant to be just friends, some are for you to bear with.... I'm not the popular girl who's got tons and tons of friends or admires, but what I'm having now is enough for me... Everyone is busy seeking true friendship and relationships , in a way I find it kind of hurtful as well... when you're in a relationship you get break ups OR if you get married you worry about things like cheating or when the day he/she leaves you forever. When you meet new friends... you have laughs and unforgettable memories, but soon more and more of them let go of that friendship for their own benefits and you just don't feel that important anymore, OR if you have great buddies that stand by you at all times wouldn't it be a pain when you see them taking their last breath? hmp am I being creepy? or I'm just thinking too much?

To everyone please remember this the worst part of loving something is that you're not assure whether you're ready enough to say goodbye, and by then you'll probably go insane lol.

new motto - Love life as you know it, cause that's just how life is being made.